Today is the 10th February 2014.

Been pretty moody recently... not exactly sure why, but probably due to my period hormones changing like volcano. 

I've been thinking about the forbidden things again, not a good sign I would say, much like a rewind of my memory, but the other part of the usual stuffs. 

I've been thinking about the people whom I've hurt... unintentionally... and not just any of them, particularly guys who hold feelings for me and was hoping for chances. I feel deeply apologetic to them.

And I know a few of them still does... no worries, I've cut all form of contact from them. 

I just feel sad that even before they could start, they already face rejection simply because I'm attached or married? Why couldn't we have met earlier? Then they would get a chance, at least a shot at trying. 

The point is, if they don't even get a chance to start then what's the point of us meeting and knowing each other. Then I have to be the bad one to reject them in the face? It is utterly unfair that people don't even get a chance at trying just because we were knew each other at the wrong time. 

And the memory of them breaking down in front of me because I have rejected them... the sadness and anger, just sink into the bottom of my brain like it's tied to a giant rock.  

Some of them argue to stay as friends, some of them simply stay away after the rejection. But neither of them comes close, I won't let them anywhere near enough to jeopardize my marriage.  

Perhaps the mind is in need of a good club session, wanting to release the unhappiness and all the stress from work. Two years six months, that's how long I've been trying to quit drinking completely, but have failed one time after the other. I can't believe alcohol is the only thing that can make me care free.